BY PETER HAILEY
The "Kevin Durant to the Wizards" rumor mill is already running at warp speed, and we are still roughly 23 months until the NBA's reigning MVP is able to become a free agent.
But that won’t stop you from reading between the lines of every report, quote, and transaction. And then, just to be safe, read in between those lines, too. Everything has a deeper meaning and nothing is "just a coincidence."
If you aren’t looking close enough, we took a look for you. Consider these possibilities.
1) Kevin Durant is a Redskins fan
Being from Washington, D.C. Kevin Durant is a Redskins fan. He tweets during their games and has posted many pictures on Instagram in various pieces of Redskins apparel.
How many times do you think Durant has sat down on his couch, hoping to see his Redskins play, only to turn on the T.V. and be greeted with a Texans-Jaguars game? Probably every Sunday. He's definitely tired of having to worry whether the Redskins will be on T.V. every week. Maybe he can root for the team in Oklahoma City? Oh wait, they don't have one. Exactly.
2) The Wizards made a move this offseason to ensure his No. 35 jersey is available and No. 8 and No. 15 and No. 53 and maybe even No. 3/5
It's a common misperception that power forward Trevor Booker was let go this offseason for basketball reasons. But people with a knack for connecting the dots know that Booker wore No. 35, which is the number Kevin Durant wears.
Could you imagine how that phone conversation would go? "Kevin, we have one of the league's youngest and most talented backcourts, a fan base dying for a winner, and we play in your backyard...the only thing is you may have to change your number because someone else already has it." He would probably hang up and block the Wizards number forever; that was a risk they couldn't afford to take. Laying the foundation.
But whatever else he wants is fine too, right? Add five and three. That’s eight. Multiply five and three. That’s 15. Flip the order. That’s 53. Heck, they’ll make a fraction if they have to. Try No. 3/5.
3) Kevin Durant is friends with Caron Butler, Caron Butler used to play for the Wizards, and “Kevin” and “Caron” have the same number of letters
Former Wizard great Caron Butler became a member of the Thunder late last year and struck up a quick friendship with Durant. Butler put notes in the forward's locker saying he believed he would be the league's MVP, and Durant thanked Butler in his MVP acceptance speech for being such a close friend.
Is it entirely crazy to think that Butler slipped other notes into Durant's locker, convincing him to leave OKC for the Wizards? No.
Butler probably left a note for No. 35 everyday, saying things like "John Wall averages almost two more assists per game than Russell Westbrook, did you know that, Kevin?" or "The new Silver Line will make getting around the area so much easier, Kevin." Butler loved his time in DC, and it wouldn't surprise me if he started nudging KD towards a return home far earlier than most of us thought it was possible.
4) Enormous things happen in Kevin Durant's life every two years
The biggest moments of Durant's basketball life occur in even-numbered years. Stay with me here.
In 2006, he was a McDonald's All-American. In 2008, he was named NBA Rookie of the Year. In 2010, he made his first All-NBA Team, and was named USA Basketball's Male Athlete of the Year. 2012 was his first career NBA Finals appearance. And in 2014, he won his first NBA MVP award.
There is no way that those are strictly coincidences or completely random. No. I'm not buying that. That is clear evidence meaning Kevin Durant's next major basketball event will occur in 2016, and that major basketball event will be packing up and coming to DC.
5) Kevin Durant needs new friends to fill out his Sprint Framily plan
The Thunder haven't treated their star player's friends very well in the past, making some questionable transactions in recent years. At the 2011 NBA trade deadline, the Thunder shipped Jeff Green, one of Durant's best buddies, to Boston. Then, before the 2012 season commenced, they traded James Harden, another one of KD's best buddies, to Houston.
In related news, Durant has been featured in television spots for Sprint's new "framily" plan, which allows customers to create a cell phone plan with their family and friends to save money; the more people on the plan, the better the savings. At the rate the Thunder are going, Durant can't comfortably build his framily without wondering whether his framily members will be traded.
Meanwhile, in DC, there are tons of friendly guys who anyone would love to have on their framily plan. Can you imagine sharing a plan with Marcin Gortat, Kevin Seraphin, and Martell Webster? That would far and away be the league's best framily.
6) Kevin Durant's Twitter bio contains a secret message for Wizards fans
Kevin Durant's Twitter bio contains the following message: "IM ME, I DO ME, AND I CHILL." This seems like a fairly inconsequential thing for a 25 year old man to say. However, if you look really closely, it seems like he is trying to convey a secret message for Wizards fans.
Durant's twitter bio is in all capital letters, which he did to camouflage the message from certain people, like Thunder front office personnel. But by leaving some letters capitalized and bringing others down to lower case, the real meaning can be uncovered: "im me, I DO ME AND i Chill." Look, he says it right there! "I DO MEAN DC."
We see your message, Kevin, and we understand. We'll see you in 2016!